Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
