Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
