Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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