God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
