dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize