Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Randomize
