we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
