i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
