it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize