Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Randomize
