You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
