So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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