I accidentally burped into my bong.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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