you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Randomize