I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize