I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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