'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
