I bet he comes in French.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize