i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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