Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I'm both gender and math confused
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
