Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
