Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Screwed.edu
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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