how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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