she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Randomize
