hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I cannot find my penis.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
