So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize