I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
