I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
