TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
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