There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
