I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Dick very happy bro
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
