Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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