i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
