I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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