I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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