I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
