I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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