I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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