My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
