The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
