did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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