i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
