hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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