My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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