dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
My vagina just recognized that song.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
