You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
