can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
