she's into porn, im staying here tonight
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Randomize