i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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