Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
