I could have mohawked her pubes.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Randomize
