I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
