I'm gonna have a badass scar
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
