my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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