i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
