The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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