I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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