Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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