so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
