any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Randomize
