It was confusing and full of hummus
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
