Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
