when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
