I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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