Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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