guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
