My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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